Fast Food Slogans Needing Disclaimers

While watching an NFL game last week, I was exposed to McDonalds' latest batch of shit burger (no pun intended) commercials, continuing their lame "I'm Lovin' It" slogan. First off, no athlete would ever put McDonalds; crud in their bodies, so advertising during football games is a bit inane, and secondly, the only group that thinks eating McDonalds will turn them into a star QB are 30 year old virgins who live in their mother's basement, living off a diet of Mountain Dew and Totino's Pizza Rolls. This got me thinking of how much I hate McDonalds and fast food in general. In order to comply with truth in advertising laws, I think the following fast food slogans badly need disclaimers.

TACO BELL'S "FOURTH MEAL"

The Slogan: "There's a moment at night, where all you want is Fourth Meal."

True, there are times where I'll have the occasional late night craving, but if it ever comes to the point where I want to actually ingest the nasty pig shit served up by Taco Bell, please shoot me. The slogan should be revised to.

"There is a moment at night where you want to get the taste of watered down well drinks, flat beer, and hooker spit out of your mouth. A time where you're so piss drunk that you'd eat a piece of beef jerky you found in the men's room. A time of night where you don't care if you put tainted grade D meat and leftover Korean War rations in your body. Welcome to Taco Bell, and Fourth Meal!"

BURGER KING'S "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"

The Slogan: "Have it Your Way"

Above: "Oh Jesus! Please don't kill me!"

I just have to say that the recent BK commercials featuring that Burger King are downright creepy. If I woke up and saw a guy in my bed wearing a king mask I would know that either 1) I somehow ingested a great batch of acid or 2) there is about to be a towel full of Cholorform shoved in my face. That being said, let's once again apply truth in advertising laws.

"Have it your way...provided your way involves meat shipped from Guatemala, prepared by illegal immigrants in the kitchen, and served up by a kid who obviously loves his minimum wage job."

KFC "BRING HOME DINNER"

The Slogan : "Bring home KFC, and bring home dinner."

Did you know that the reason KFC changed their name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC because majority of what is served isn't technically chicken? Granted, it likely contains some chicken parts like testicles and spleens, but the rest is most likely crow or pigeon. I think the solgan should be more along the lines of...

"Bring home KFC tonight, and bring home dinner. We're aiming this at you, dad! Too much of a lazy douche to cook? Well, why not expose your kids to a down home meal of crow, salmonella, boxed mashed potatoes, and our famous blend of secret herbs and spices (here's a hint, one of the secret spices is...semen!)? Bring home KFC, and bring home food poisoning!"

CARL'S JR "DON'T BOTHER ME, I'M EATING."

The Slogan: "Don't bother me, I'm eating."

For those of you who live in an area without Carl's Jr, consider yourself lucky. Not only are the smells coming out of these places nauseating, but we're subjected to commercials featuring the sight, and even worse, the SOUND of people eating their burgers. This is the same company that featured Paris Hilton washing a car in their commercials, and if that isn't enough to trigger your gag reflex, the fact that they're partners with a chain called "Green Burrito" should do the trick.

Revised Slogan: "Don't bother me, I'm in the bathroom shitting myself half to death over the Famous Star from their value menu. Christ! What the hell was in that?? Mouse meat??!"

I hate TMZ

For those of you unfamiliar with Harvey Levin's latest mind dump, TMZ is 30 minutes of US Weekly only more obnoxious, if that's at all possible. I was watching it the other night (the local Fox affiliate needs to do a better job of cycling Family Guy reruns) and realized that the entire show can be condensed in a fraction of the time. As a public service, I've listed TMZ in a nutshell.

Harvey: I've got my venti cappucino from Starbucks. Anybody who dares call it a large will be fired!! It's venti, goddamit! That said, what've we got today?

Bug Eyed Girl: I have Tony Danza leaving a Jiffy Lube.

Harvey: Oh, yes!!! Gimme gimme MORE, gimme MORE! God, I love being a celebrity stalking douche. Want to fuck later?

Bug Eyed Girl: No, thank you. I'm currently being nailed by Patrick Duffy.

Harvey: Hmmm, I can't say I blame you. Duffy is a fine specimen of man. What else do we have?

Fabio Wannabe: Well, as I was unbuttoning my shirt to show just the right amount of chest, I found an internet video of Britney Spears.....opening a door!

Harvey: Oh God yes!! Somebody pinch my nipples! What else?

Metrosexual Mike: I have Paris Hilton being gang banged by a truck full of day laborers outside a Home Depot.

Harvey: Yes!! Let me write that one on my clear dry erase board. That makes it look like we have legitimate office jobs.

Token Black Guy: I have a picture of Jessica Simpson in sweatpants.

Harvey: Jesus Christ! A celeb wearing sweatpants? That's certainly more newsworthy than the war in Iraq! And why isn't anybody pinching my nipples yet? Anything else?

Bug Eyed Girl: Apparently a black hawk helicopter got shot down in Iraq today, bring the total US casualties to...

(dead silence)

Harvey: Get the fuck out!

There you are! I just saved you all 30 minutes. You're welcome.

I Hate "Most Haunted"

I enjoy many a show on the Travel Channel. They include shows about exciting destinations, great places to eat, and which hotels to stay at. However, there is one show that doesn't deserve to even be put on the airwaves, let alone those used by the Travel Channel. I am talking of the hit British series "Most Haunted", which unfortunately has made it's way over here.





What makes this show truly shitty is the fact that it tries to pass itself off as a serious program, but it is anything but. Let's start with the "psychic" medium, Derek Acorah.













Derek claims that a ghost by the name of Sam gives him a link to the spirit world, and enables him to know things about places he's never visited, find out what the spirits are saying, and feign being possessed. I guess "Sam" is slang for Wikipedia, for in a visit to the London Dungeon, Derek claimed that Sam told him the history of the place, including the great fire of 1666. Viewers were amazed that Derek, never having visited, knew this!! Well, he may have never been to the physical location, but he certainly referenced a Wikipedia article regarding it...almost word for word. I guess links to the spirit world spend a lot of time web surfing these days.

Another aspect of Derek is his ability to feign being possessed. On several occasions he's been known to cross his eyes, change his voice (poorly) and pretend to be possessed by various spirits. If you watch video of this, it's more a lame attempt to cop a feel on his co-hose, Yvette Fielding. His so called possession came to light in a 2005 interview with the London paper "The Mirror" where Dr. Cieran O Keefe came out and said 90% of what Derek does is for ratings. Yet the show still remains on. Let's move on, shall we?

Yvette Fielding...a shrill, whiny British woman who spends the entire show screaming, and pretending that a particl of dust floating around is a real live ghost! If it's not a speck of dust, the slightest sound from the boom mike operator MUST be a demon. My guess is this woman goes home to her 40 cats, and the second she hears one of them scratching in the litter box, she assumes it's a ghost and calls an exorcist.

This show is boring and shitty, not to mention it's been debunked several times, and the producers have even come out saying most of it is staged and strictly for ratings. Yet, it remains on the air.

Now, if you want to see a GOOD show about people chasing ghosts check out Ghost Hunters ont he Sci-Fi Channel. They actually use something called "science" and "techonolgy" to back up their ghostly claims.