While watching an NFL game last week, I was exposed to McDonalds' latest batch of shit burger (no pun intended) commercials, continuing their lame "I'm Lovin' It" slogan. First off, no athlete would ever put McDonalds; crud in their bodies, so advertising during football games is a bit inane, and secondly, the only group that thinks eating McDonalds will turn them into a star QB are 30 year old virgins who live in their mother's basement, living off a diet of Mountain Dew and Totino's Pizza Rolls. This got me thinking of how much I hate McDonalds and fast food in general. In order to comply with truth in advertising laws, I think the following fast food slogans badly need disclaimers.
TACO BELL'S "FOURTH MEAL"
The Slogan: "There's a moment at night, where all you want is Fourth Meal."
True, there are times where I'll have the occasional late night craving, but if it ever comes to the point where I want to actually ingest the nasty pig shit served up by Taco Bell, please shoot me. The slogan should be revised to.
"There is a moment at night where you want to get the taste of watered down well drinks, flat beer, and hooker spit out of your mouth. A time where you're so piss drunk that you'd eat a piece of beef jerky you found in the men's room. A time of night where you don't care if you put tainted grade D meat and leftover Korean War rations in your body. Welcome to Taco Bell, and Fourth Meal!"
BURGER KING'S "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"
The Slogan: "Have it Your Way"
Above: "Oh Jesus! Please don't kill me!"
I just have to say that the recent BK commercials featuring that Burger King are downright creepy. If I woke up and saw a guy in my bed wearing a king mask I would know that either 1) I somehow ingested a great batch of acid or 2) there is about to be a towel full of Cholorform shoved in my face. That being said, let's once again apply truth in advertising laws.
"Have it your way...provided your way involves meat shipped from Guatemala, prepared by illegal immigrants in the kitchen, and served up by a kid who obviously loves his minimum wage job."KFC "BRING HOME DINNER"
The Slogan : "Bring home KFC, and bring home dinner."
Did you know that the reason KFC changed their name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC because majority of what is served isn't technically chicken? Granted, it likely contains some chicken parts like testicles and spleens, but the rest is most likely crow or pigeon. I think the solgan should be more along the lines of...
"Bring home KFC tonight, and bring home dinner. We're aiming this at you, dad! Too much of a lazy douche to cook? Well, why not expose your kids to a down home meal of crow, salmonella, boxed mashed potatoes, and our famous blend of secret herbs and spices (here's a hint, one of the secret spices is...semen!)? Bring home KFC, and bring home food poisoning!"
CARL'S JR "DON'T BOTHER ME, I'M EATING."
The Slogan: "Don't bother me, I'm eating."
For those of you who live in an area without Carl's Jr, consider yourself lucky. Not only are the smells coming out of these places nauseating, but we're subjected to commercials featuring the sight, and even worse, the SOUND of people eating their burgers. This is the same company that featured Paris Hilton washing a car in their commercials, and if that isn't enough to trigger your gag reflex, the fact that they're partners with a chain called "Green Burrito" should do the trick.
Revised Slogan: "Don't bother me, I'm in the bathroom shitting myself half to death over the Famous Star from their value menu. Christ! What the hell was in that?? Mouse meat??!"
