Hollywood,PLEASE stop tinkering with classics!! I implore you!

I was really dismayed last month to find out that a Three Stooges movie was in the works. At first, I thought it had some potential. Maybe through some dark, unholy rituals, they were able to ressurect Larry, Curly, and Moe, and got them to agree to make their first movie in 40+ years.

But alas, my guess is a necromancer wasn't available, because the movie in the works would involve modern day actors playing the roles of the Three Stooges. Is nothing sacred anymore? You CAN'T re-create the gold that was the Stooges! I'm sorry, but Jim Carrey, Benicio DelToro, and Sean Penn would pale in comparison to the original three.

Now I lay awake at night wondering what other beloved classics Hollywood would manage to fuck up. Going into my closet, and blowing the dust off my crystal ball, I now present you all with classic movies/shows.....that Hollywood will undoubtedly fuck up.

THE A-TEAM

One of my most beloved 80s shows I grew up with. These guys were no joke. The premise always involved 1) people being intimidated by competitors/mob bosses/HOA's, 2) people hiring the A-Team, 3) the A-Team breaking Murdock out of the nut house and 4) the A-Team firing crazy rounds of ammo without killing anyone, but teaching the bad guys a valuable lesson in the process. Sure, it was formulaic, but it worked, dammit! I pity the foo who says otherwise.

HOW IT COULD BE SAVED: This movie could be saved if Mr. T would agree to come back and play BA Baracus. He still looks pretty much the same as he did then (his aging is nothing a talented makeup artist couldn't handle), and if it actually took place in the 80s, instead of being brought into the modern day, and the infamous A-Team van being made into a glorified Honda Odyssey commercial. If it's well cast, and they stick to the classic A-Team formula, this could actually be good.

HOW HOLLYWOOD WILL LIKELY FUCK IT UP: Chances are we'll see Hollywood attempt to appeal to a broader range of demographics. That is, they won't just cater this movie to males between 18-49...but will attempt to lure the female demographic by casting George Clooney as Hannibal, and Matthew McCounaghey as Face. The thought of that smug bastard Clooney playing the smug bastard that George Peppard portrayed.....that's what's wrong with America. end of story.

MAC GYVER

MacGyver was a man all other men could look up to. He taught a generation of boys that if you're locked in a room by thugs, using simple chemistry and items that said thugs conveniently left in the room, could be utilized to create a makeshift bomb capable of freeing you, and allowing the bad guys to get what's coming to them.

HOW IT COULD BE SAVED: If Richard Dean Anderson agreed to come back and play MacGyver, AND if he agreed to regrow his mullet, this movie has a fighting chance.

HOW HOLLYWOOD WILL LIKELY FUCK IT UP: Again, we're reminded of what Matthew McCounaghey is to movies....cancer.

Fuck you! You're no MacGyver!

RED DAWN

Ah, a classic! A reflection of a simpler time in America, where terrorism, swine flu, and North Korean threats were a non issue. Where the only thing we had to worry about was the Red Army and where a senile president was hiding his jellybeans. Yes, the 80s had some great movies, and Red Dawn was a shining example of this.

HOW IT COULD BE SAVED: They could set the movie in the 80s, follow the same plot about the Commies invading Colorado, but have a modern day cinematography and special FX budget.

HOW HOLLYWOOD WOULD FUCK IT UP: Again, Hollywood would fuck this up by horribly casting it. Do we really want to see Zac Effron shouting "Wolverines!!!!!!" after taking out a member of a Nicaraguan death squad?

OK kid, you're NOT tough, could never take out a Commie invader, and piss me off almost as much as McCounaghey. Beat it, dipshit.

SMALL WONDER

This show was just disturbing, so I'm not sure how Hollywood could do much to fuck it up. Am I the only one slightly disturbed by the fact that the father made a robot look like a 10 year old servant girl?? What type of sick pedo-sex-bot was this guy trying to create. Ah well! I'll take a stab at it.

HOW IT COULD BE SAVED: Have the robot girl, Vicky, go on a mission to kill Sarah Connor. Claim that she's the first generation of Skynet. Add 90 minutes of special effects to 2 minutes of plot. Rebrand the movie Terminator: Small Wonder.

HOW HOLLYWOOD WOULD FUCK IT UP: Probably a one-two punch of Matthew McCounaghey as the father, and Zac Effron as the brother.

Housewife Tips from 1955

I'll proabably take a lot of shit for this, but I think it's too hilarious not to share. The 50's was an innocent era of lead paint, asbestos to insulate your house, and the only real threat was that of atomic war. Not only that, but we had a bass ackwards view on housewives and what they were to do. I find this rather amusing, and for once, think things have changed for the better....in this instance.

1 Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2 Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

3 Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4 Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

5 Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

6 Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

7 Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

8 Be happy to see him.

9 Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

10 Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, this topics of conversation are more important than yours.

11 Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

12 Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

13 Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

14 Don't complain if he's home late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

15 Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16 Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice.

17 Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

18 A good wife always knows her place.